When I tell people I traveled to Patagonia and walked among penguins, they respond with exclamations of wonder and delight. “Oh, penguins, how cute!” they say. I thought so too, at first. But I can tell you now that penguins are not cute. They are vicious. I am now legitimately terrified of any bird larger than a duck. True story.

The trip began on a cold, wintry day in January 2016. My husband and I left the northern hemisphere in the wee hours of the morning, when it was pitch black and freezing cold. Many hours later, we arrived in Buenos Aires at 3 am local time, where it was already 70 degrees out. Multiple layers were shed. After a few hangry hours waiting around at the airport, we continued south to Ushuaia. I say hangry because at first no fooderies were open, and then when they did open, I had no money to buy anything. The ATM in the terminal wouldn’t allow me to withdraw any money, and I came to learn that it was extremely difficult to withdraw Argentine pesos anywhere. Many places also did not take Mastercard, which was my only debit/credit card at the time. This created a minor panic later in the trip when it became vital that we have cash, which we couldn’t get easily. But more on that later. In any case, it meant I was hungry and unpleasant that morning.

Many more hours later (and after a forgettable but serviceable meal on the airplane), we arrived in Ushuaia, the southernmost city in the world. And thus began Dave’s obsession with everything southernmost. The southernmost horse in the world. The southernmost dog. The southernmost cocktail. And so on. Until I took his camera and threw it on the ground and stomped on it and screamed, “No more pictures of southernmost things!” and stomped off. That didn’t actually happen, but I may have considered it.

After a couple days hanging out in Ushuaia, getting used to being in the southern hemisphere, and doing touristy things like visiting the southernmost museum of the world, as one does, we embarked on the next part of our journey. We set sail on the Stella Australis for an expedition around Cape Horn through the Beagle Channel, stopping to visit glaciers and penguins on our way to Punta Arenas, Chile. Now, I’ve commented on this before (see Bordeaux), but trips often don’t go as you planned in your head. For one thing, I didn’t plan on being attacked by a penguin.

 Nor did I plan on waking up at 5:45 in the morning the first day of our excursion to Chile, but if you want to visit Cape Horn, rise and shine you must. And so we mustered at 5:45 am along with 148 other equally cranky shipmates, dressed top to toe in raingear and waterproof footwear.

 

 

 

After braving blistering rain and choppy waters in a Zodiac we explored Cape Horn. By explore, I mean we climbed a lot of steps and walked up to this sort of monument thing that marks it as Cape Horn (see above). This was harder than it sounds due to the wind and rain, and the sensation that you might, in fact, be blown off this tiny patch of land onto the ends of the earth itself and never seen nor heard from again. But we made the trek there and back, reboarded the Zodiacs, and recuperated with some fortifying beverages back on the ship. All before breakfast!

 That whole experience gave me a newfound appreciation for our early explorers. We were there in January, summertime for that part of the globe, when the weather and seas might be expected to be a little more calm. So I can only imagine what it must be like at other times of the year, in vessels that were probably less seaworthy than our stalwart cruise ship. Just a speculation.

Anyway, the journey continued around the archipelago to the glaciers. I saw a lot of glaciers on this trip. I got to walk on a glacier. I got to drink whiskey with ice from a glacier. I got to go inside a glacier cave. I was lucky enough to watch a glacier calve. I never want to see a glacier again. I took a lot of pictures of the glaciers, as one would, and I learned that while glaciers look impressive from far away, up close they look not unlike the great piles of snow that the snowplow leaves at the edges of parking lots in winter. I could have just visited a parking lot in winter, taken some photos, and saved myself a lot of money. Still, glaciers are pretty impressive. Above is the Aguila Glacier in Chile as seen from the boat, and below as we walked towards it. More on glaciers later.

And finally, the Great Penguin Attack of 2016! Our last stop before arriving in Punta Arenas was Magdalena Island, the island of penguins. This is a tiny island populated by a colony of Magellanic penguins and a small group of park rangers who care for them. One of these rangers saved me from sure death or at least maiming or possibly a small flesh wound that day. One can walk around the island (it is very small) along a path defined by a string fence a couple feet above the ground, which allows the penguins to wander freely from their nesting area down to the sea. It was one of these wandering penguins who attacked me.

First, he attacked the guy in front of me, pecking at his ankles, which I thought was funny, so I took some pictures. Then the penguin turned his attention to me, and it quickly became not so funny. Penguins have sharp beaks. I stood still because I didn’t want to antagonize him further by running, and the bird kept pecking away at my leg. I screamed in panic and fear and a ranger came over and shooed the bird away. My nerves were too fragile to continue the tour of the island – every penguin was now a mortal enemy, training their eyes and beaks on my tender calves. So, we retreated to the safety of the boat.

The result of the Great Penguin Attack that I now give birds a wide berth. Especially geese. Geese are terrifying. And I plan to avoid any potential encounters with penguins as best I can. It’s a pattern with me, being attacked by birds. A pigeon flew into my head in New York City recently, so I’m not exaggerating this tendency for birds to see me as a target. Anyway, this is just the first part of our trip. I’ll be posting the other parts sometime soon(ish).